Intro

Who am I - A person who struggles with infertility for 4 and 1/2 years now

Why Blogging - just to need to vent away my frustrations.

Why now - I'm at a stage where I'm scared/frustrated/depressed to not able to have a little one.

My Story - I know it is not very interesting to read my story, but my intend is to vent away and least care about my audiences LOL! Well, married to my wonderful DH in 2000. Came to US with all the dreams to find the reality is different LOL! First thing hit me was that daily life here is harder than in India where we had 3 maids to take care of everything. Cultural shock, spoken English(I had no knowledge of spoken English that too with American Accent though I'm a graduate in English. Yes, I'm very embrassed to say this). So took me 2 years to get in settled with the American life with my Americanized DH. Now he is more Indian though we have citizenship, thanks to me :). Then somehow landed in a job in 2003, when my DH wanted to pursue a advanced degree for next 23 months which was like in hell. That bothered me and I, yes, I decided to have a baby and stopped the pills on Jan 2004. There started my journey. Like everyone else I thought by Feb 2004 I would be pregnant. Well, month after month no sign of it and with stress of him being in school, made my periods disappear. Went Gyn on Sep 2004, he immediately put me on clomid for next 6 months. Very little i know that DH didn't want to have a little one until he finishes his degree which was not communicated to me. Yeah we are like that. After numerous mutual fights, he got his degree in 2005. Yay! Then started real trying. In the mean time we both had preliminary testings and all clear. We are officially called 'Unexplained'. I was relieved. Then by 2006, one day he came to me and said let's have an appt with RE. Did that and RE took our test results and said let's try IUI.

IUI # 1 - took clomid 100mg, had 2 beautiful eggs with 80+ million mini-men, BFN

IUI # 2 - again took clomid 100mg, had 2 + 1 beautiful eggs with 60+ million mini-men, BFN

IUI # 3 - Wanted to move to injectables. RE hesitated but gave me prescription for it. Ended up in 16+ eggs on both ovaries and RE said not to even think about or have DH come near by. So cancelled IUI with BFN

IUI # 4 - Took clomid 100mg again and Ovulated on CD 8. Panicking called RE office and they said to come and took u/s and asked to check progesterone and RE said it would be cancelled b/c it may not be worth it. So went onm naturally. Surprise BFP! on cd 24(yes since I ovulated on CD 8, it would be considered 14 days after ovulation which is equivalent to 1 month of pregnancy, yeah calculations are different in infertility world). HCG was 992. RE was very surprised. All of a sudden I felt I wasn't pregnant. Anyway went for 2nd blood test it went down to 982. I cried and cried and cried. So again they wanted to do another one two days later which was 636. So very likely miscarrying and put that shot which i dreaded that too two of them. Had my period passed a 1'' inch grayish material. No heavy bleeding, nothing out of ordinary.

Ok, now DH says we will get pregnant by ourselves and 1 year passed no signs of pregnancy.

Went back to RE on August 2007 , he suggested we moved to IVF. So waited for another 4 months for personal reasons and started the process on December of 2007. Was on BCP's for 3 weeks and stimulated with Gonal G and other injectables on my tummy. Gained couple of pounds and had to do 4 shots at the same time on couple of days. Then came the ER. They harvested 24 eggs, 17 matured, 15 fertilized, 11 made it to blast. 2 went inside me on 5 days after ER. Started taking progesterone shots and 12 days after transfer BFN. Cried and cried and cried.

FET # 1 - After couple of days, recouped and went to RE for post consult and moved to FET. Transferred 2 beautiful embies. Took things lightly Thank god no shots, only creams(yucky) and preparing myself for another BFN. Then RE called ion Thursday and said it worked 224. Wow! But didn't have high hopes. So waited for second beta which was on Monday 4 days later. During the wait, my face was so broad, that made one of my friend asked whether i was pregnant. Kinda of said yes and no to her. During those 4 days had nausea, craved for something spicy, headaches and tired, none of pants fit(still doesn't LOL!). On Sunday I wasn't feeling that great. Went for beta on Monday morning. Kept myself calm and quiet. The nurse didn't call until late evening so called and left a message. Then the call came on the evening saying it was 333. The nurse said congrats. I was like shouldn't be in 800+. She was like 'oh no, I'm sorry i thought you had your beta on Saturday'. Again it started. Cried and cried and cried. why God gives me this tiny life and just take it away :( DH was like may be you had 2 and one is vanishing that's why the beta didn't double blah,blah and we had a fight. He was upset seeing me upset and that made us fight. Anyway again on Wednesday (which was my big 30 B'day) went for another beta and it went to 160. RE called and asked me to come in person. Got my periods on Friday. Passed a big size warm grayish material. I was holding on to it for 5 minutes, and talking to it. I know it was my baby. I felt I killed him/her. I said sorry to her/him and let go. Still I can feel that. Went back to RE and told him I need a break. He said to go to Chromosome testing and we have done it and tomorrow is my results.

Going to RE in the morning.I know I have to accept the fact. If anyone reading this blog, please say a little prayer for us.